alice is frustrated

more time in the dreamworld

Wednesday, October 7th, 2015.
I don't know what to write about.

10:13pm You can't choose your family but at least you can pick your friends.

10:16pm More sleeping today. I think I'm clocking more time in the dreamworld than waking life these days. All was not lost. I managed to wash the dishes, to do a few other things, I collapse back into nightmares. Although I did make myself do some wii fit this afternoon - that's an attempt on my part to try and be active indoors. I keep track of any bike rides or walks I do with apps I have on my phone but I know that I need a lot more activity than that in my life to improve my health.

I imagine myself going out for a walk in the morning or perhaps one late at night. Some regular part of my every day routine, as much as brushing my teeth or going to the washroom, and those walks would help me lose weight, invigorate the creative mind and take more pictures of the outside world. I imagine this but it hasn't made it happen yet. Many of the great writers I have read went for regular walks, whether to wander or to stroll purposely to a place, it was part of the writing process and it kept them relatively healthy. Or whatever.

I know that I should do it for physical and mental health. I just don't feel particularly motivated every day. I know that I have to get past that because I'm not feeling too well as I am and even if it's not as bad as it could be, or as I feel, I know it would be much better if I was moving my body more. It's not about appearance as much anymore but more concern for long-term health and wanting to be stronger to deal with what things may come. I also want to enjoy myself in my body more than I currently do because as I'm reminded all too often, we have less time than we think.

11:10pm I should be writing but I am distracted by the internet. YouTube. I want to watch ALL THE VLOGS. I can't though. I am supposed to write my words tonight. Minimize browser. Turn up 'Philip Glass'.

11:22pm Typing and backspacing because I don't think it's my place to write about someone else's struggle but it's on my mind. It's difficult to write about terminal illness. Then a reminder to the self: we're all terminal, it's just a matter of time. Some of us are allowed more of it than others. None of us can know exactly, even if we're given diagnosis, there is no way to know how long we'll have to be here. Is it worse to know?

11:30pm I want to be a person who can say that I tried, that I loved, that I did not close myself up to new experiences, that I did not let my heart become stone. I want to be able to change, to improve - not just myself but when it comes to the important stuff in my life. I want to be creative in expression and to not hold it back from others. I'd like to become softer with age - not necessarily overly sweet, but not bitter - I do not want to be jagged edges hurting those who could be closest to me. I want to laugh more. Relax more. Into the moments that matter with those who help make them so. I want words and me to figure things out. I want to write my life, beyond all the documentation. I want to live on the page and also at the spot where the page is turned and over the side, on the leaf of a much loved book. That I'm writing.

11:45pm I'm close to the midnight deadline and I am not too far from finishing my 750 words. It's difficult though because I have a variety of things on my mind but I feel like I have to censor myself as to what I can write about - which is a problem I need to get over because in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter what I have to say here in my online journal? I mean, in the big picture of it all? Does it? Not really. Then again, the days of spilling everything in the olden days of LiveJournal just might be long-gone with how everything can be used against you and I am not one who is good at being silent. I don't know. Somewhere in between is a place called balance. I've wanted to find it for years but haven't yet. I don't think I've tried hard enough. (contrary?)

11:50pm Tomorrow might be better for writing. This was the best I could do today.
alice reflection

twinless twins / multiple strands

Tuesday, October 6th, 2015.
It's that time of year again - the date that marks when I became a twinless twin - and I am still here, surprisingly. No, I did not visit my sister's grave today but I was there recently when out & about on a bicycle ride with JB. I didn't take any photos while at the cemetery this time and I hadn't planned to stop by - although I suppose in the back of my mind, I'm always thinking of going there.

The city of St. Thomas has been at odds with the company that is running that cemetery, the one where my twin is buried and where I hope to be placed someday as well - and I'm concerned about how the grounds will be taken care of if the city ends up taking over the maintenance of it. If their track record with keeping sidewalks and roads plowed is any indication, I'm rightfully uneasy. We'll see what happens but I hope that political grudges don't win out over the respect of the graveyards where history and our loved ones are placed.

9:43pm I haven't felt well the past couple of days. I managed to bathe today (hooray for me) but I still slept too much. Yesterday was worse. I think that the cysts are settling down compared to a few days ago and my body made me sleep to help me get better. The usual onslaught of nightmares continued, such weird dreams that I wish I'd written them down, and I dived back under for more. I don't want to avoid living 'real' life but I must admit that dreams are far more interesting at the moment. They always have been.

10:31pm Relationships that seemed so important at the time transform into blips in a timeline where decisions made by one person or the other sent the trajectory of multiple persons to other ways. This now couldn't have happened if back then choices hadn't been made (or not made) and it feels like the 'what if's' and 'might have beens' are as much a part of the present as anything else. I mean, nothing that is happening now could have happened without everything that was lost, ruined, neglected or released. Sometimes, you get the feeling that a decision made is going to impact you in a big way, but you don't truly know if it's one of those life-changing choices until later when you see a definitive outcome, a ripple effect in your life and others affected by it.

11:15pm Someone mentioned past lives and it made me think about how we can have several past lives within the one we're living right now, ya know? Unless your life has stayed exactly the same for most of your life - if nothing has ever happened to you at all - then maybe you won't get it. But for those of us who have worked various jobs, had a few serious relationships, visited or lived in other places, experienced significant events that had an impact on not only our supposed plans but found ourselves having to revise or give up on those plans completely - loss upon loss or gains you never dreamed of, at a cost - you get what I'm saying, don't you?

Is this something that some of us think about because we just think too much, can't just live in the moment or visualize the strands of our lives and feel the tug from them, knowing there was a different story back there we might have been in. How we have been changed by the strands we let go of, the one we tied around our finger, and the ones that sometimes trip us up from time to time, that tangle in might-have-been & what-if's & so it goes.

I am in awe of those who cut each strand away and I'm more so for those who say to hell with it and investigate the tangles, who dare to unravel them, to be so bold. To live more than one life at a time. I don't mean a double life. I just think that there is something closer to a full life when you have a perspective of more - and you make another choice, or the same one, but feeling through and through that is what you should do. Instead of figuring that out when the strand is just a frayed string you have to let go of / leave behind in some memory in the back of your mind.

11:55pm Computer has been glitchy tonight and I worried I might not get my words written in time but I received the notification that I had passed 750 words. Much relief as I want to keep the streak going. It's important that I prepare for November - the month of writing this many words a day x2.5 or thereabouts!

As for the other stuff, I ought to turn to the form of poetry to get those thoughts out. I think that would be the better way to follow those strands.