alice cards attack

keeping it real

Saturday, July 16th, 2016.
1:42am
Listening to one of the 8tracks "mixtapes" I've made -
Before records were cool again. ('60s, '70s) - and now that makes three published mixes and one that I've got in the works that is a mix mash of favourite songs from more recent years. I'm still shuffling and organizing that mix around and for now it's set to private until I get that done. This is a great way for me to make use of my expansive iTunes music library that I have and it reminds me of how it felt to make mix cassettes, only this isn't me putting the same songs on them over & over again. I really do love music. I don't listen to it nearly as often as I should like.

How have I been doing? I wish I could say I've been better. Depression sucks. Anxiety isn't much better at this time. Stressed out is an understatement. It's not constant but it feels unrelenting at times. I'm trying to keep my head above water - it's been a long time but I have been in waters like this before - and I am doing what I can to not go under. There is reprieve every now & then and for that, I'm thankful.

As for an update on the relocation situation: It is an anxious unknown question mark with an unspecified waiting time. On the edge of our seats to find out if, when and how things will happen. Will it be by the end of this year? Will I get to move back to the city of my heart by then? Steps taken in that direction but some of it is out of our hands. Since nothing is happening yet, there is the fear that it might not happen at all - and I'm not sure I can handle that over the long-term - but the likelihood is that it will work out and that I just have to bear the waiting time.

I qualified for the Disability Tax Credit. It doesn't do much with my income but it can be transferred and applied to my spouse's income and taxes. Why it isn't done automatically considering we file together is beyond me but we sent off the a letter to request that to be done and a reassessment / adjustment to be made for the years I've been approved (2014, 2015 and up to 2021). It will be helpful, that's for sure, moving forward. The downside to it, in my opinion, is that it doesn't seem to help a person who doesn't have someone who qualifies that doesn't have a taxable income. I mean, I understand it from how the tax thing works but it still seems like it's not much help to those of us who are on our own and struggling in poverty with illnesses. What if we don't have family members or a partner that we can have the credits transferred to? How is it helpful in that case? But for those who are able to work enough to reach the income required to meet the tax requirements, I can see how it could be helpful.

Thankfully, I was approved for this and it will be of benefit to us moving forward but it just reminds me of how some things seem to have this under current of continuing to keep the poor and disabled down, or of reinforcing the idea that one must have a partner to rely on. There is also the scary situation of not having things work out or an abuse of power, when one is in an unbalanced position. Not everyone will find someone they can live with. Especially with illnesses, it can be hard to be with someone - for both people. I know that I have thought I'd be better off living on my own many times, though I'm not sure if that's true or not. I sometimes think it's much less stressful psychologically to be on my own than to live with someone else. I'm not the only one to feel this way, I'm certain of it. I obviously don't feel this way all the time or I wouldn't still be married and living with my partner, but I can understand why other people may choose different living arrangements, despite love and attachments.

2:22am An update about the cats: Vincent is very fat. He seems to have formed a special bond with Chai, our skinny kitten. They are adorable together. Smudge is doing well but husband is wondering if she's going into heat. Bit young for that but it's a question he can ask the vet when he takes the two kittens into the vet on Monday for their next round of shots. Pekoe had his own visit to the vet recently and he was very upset about going, though he's never put up a fuss before. We think it's because he knew he was sick. He somehow got an infection in his eye. An antibiotic ointment is being applied to the inside of his bottom eyelid 2x daily in the hopes that it will clear up and not get any worse. It seems to be improving but we are still only on the first few days of his treatment. Otherwise, he seems fine. Adopting cats takes more than just love, in our case. Worth it! They've blended into a lovely family and I wouldn't think of separating them now.

When we consider future plans, it means choosing a place that has a storage room like what we have in this apartment, a place for the litter - over a living space that might be more awesome. We have to put them first. That's what we signed up for. Speaking of kitty litter, we switched brands to something far less dusty. It is amazing what a difference it immediately made in the air quality and such. It costs more than the other but if it makes things better for us (with cats being more sensitive) it has to be better for them as well.

I've taken a lot of photos of the cats and posted them to Instagram but I also put them on my Flickr as well - that's where all my pics end up. Admittedly, most photos these days are of the sky balcony view (hi, I'm agoraphobic!) and cat pictures, but it won't be like this always. I'll get out again sometime and should we get to move in the near future, I'll have lots of different types of photos to take again. It will be good to not be so isolated. Of course there will still be cat pictures. I mean, it's the internet. The internet is made of cats.
we are all mad

hello darkness

Thursday, June 30th, 2016.
10:34am
This was a difficult month for me. Depression beat me down bad and it was scary for me as I haven't experienced quite this depth of it for a very long time. Consistent nightmares and ongoing anxiety has stayed with me but to add an overwhelming sadness on top of it reduced me to minimal functionality much of the time. There were days on end - weeks maybe? - where the majority of my time was sleeping - which isn't a good thing but I was in such despair that it drained me. Sleeping did not help because the nightmares that I have wouldn't allow me any rest or peace. It was basically just a way to cope, to not exist but still be here? I had moments where I was getting through things but I don't think I've experienced such a depth of feeling alone, of feeling sad and sorrowful - no, it's been so long that I can't remember.

I couldn't write. Some attempts here and there in my paper journal but not enough. Still took video clips for the weekly video but as you can guess, it's mostly balcony view of the sky and cats. I've been reading but I do it in brief times of concentration. It was only in recent days where I finally started to feel better but a lot of that had to do with some decisions made, some steps taken in a new direction, some hope for change in sight. My unhappiness has a lot to do with where I am. I wish that it didn't. I wish that I could be happy here. But my heart has ached and I can no longer rationalize in circles enough to make myself stay.

So, we're over looking at houses in town. Even the best houses would still be here, not where I want to be. This was never supposed to be a long-term place - not for me, anyway - and it never was. I did a good job at convincing myself it could be now and then but it always came back around to the fact that this is not my home. I think this is a place where some people can happily live but for others, it's a jumping off point - to go elsewhere - and that elsewhere, was a place I lived for a few years and no matter the circumstances, I was so immensely grateful, thankful and happy to be there. I didn't need this or that - only to be there was enough.

We have a plan in place and it's already in motion. It could mean that I will still be here for several months or even close to a year - but I would happily stay here that length of time if it meant the rest of my life afterward could be lived in the city that I love, that loved me back. The time in between of getting to live there and staying behind here to take care of our cat family and household would be put to good use knowing that we'd be working toward our goal.

My mood elevated quite a lot after steps were taken toward the goal but now it's the time period of waiting. I'm okay with this though. I have been waiting pretty much since we moved back. I've done plenty to try and distract myself or talk myself into staying here. Things I've tried? Hosting a family dinner for a family that didn't give a FUCK. (Excluding my Uncle Gerry & Aunt Terry - thank you for being there!) Helping out (in a BIG way) someone who I thought was my friend to relocate from Ireland back to their homeland of Canada. That sure worked out swell for her and kudos to her for making the most of it but damn, did I ever get taken for a fool. Some of my nights spent sobbing, heartbroken at the way it turned out, at how stupid I had been. Some people will take advantage of others and not give a damn so long as they get what they want. Even when they have the opportunity to make things right, they don't. Priorities off much? But hey, I get it, at the end of the day, it was me who made the choice to help. So I have to live with that. Let's just say it hasn't been a highlight of my experience of living here and contributed to the feeling that this is not the place for me. I have never felt more isolated in my life. I don't have a lot of trust to extend toward others from here. That's not at all the kind of person I want to become, you know?

I have health issues and they aren't going to magically disappear even if I move away but at least on my good days, there is more for me to enjoy and appreciate. Here, I just don't feel like I'm home. I tried to make that not be the case because there are good things about being here and about the place but it just doesn't even out or come close if one lists the pros to cons. Long-term for whatever length of time there is of life, I'd rather go for happiness than stay stuck and stagnant.

When I have a timeline and know more of what's going on - I'm not sharing some things yet because nothing is certain but we have taken steps beyond just thinking and talking about it - when I know, I'll share more. It's a big deal for me and I'd want to document it. I think that even the in between time will be good for me, to have time to re-learn how to rely on myself and take care of things because there is no choice but to do so. Errands would need to be done and I'd be the only one around to do them. Cats would need love and I would want to take care of myself in preparation for relocating. It would be so worth it and I think that when we are reuniting as a family again, it would be for the better. I'd leave my resentments behind. Oh! And it's exciting to think of going through my things and keeping only what I truly want and value. I know I could do some more letting go - on every level.

There's more to write about but I'll save that for later. Tomorrow is a new month.


vlog: 22 - 30 June 2016 [Link]