Friday, May 17th, 2013.
10:55am - It's been awhile since I opened up 750words.com to type anything. I've hardly been online except with my iPhone (i look at the Vine app way too much!) and even then, my mind is occupied by other matters. Even now, I don't feel like writing, really. I want to get back into the habit of doing it though so here I am.

I'm wondering about mail today. My pay is usually here between Wednesday and Friday (bi-weekly) and it's only on a very rare occasion that it might not get here until Monday - it's usually here on Wednesday or Thursday - but this week, it's a Friday and I am waiting to see if it will be here. There is even more anticipation on top of that because two weeks ago I spoke with w.s.i.b. and was told they were processing the payment of back pay. I didn't receive it yet and I'm wondering if this cycle of pay will have the amount on it with the adjusted pay increase or if I'm going to receive the usual. I went downstairs yesterday to check and was shaking slightly (the amount the board owes me is significant!) only to be left wondering for another day. We'll see if I find out today. How long are they going to make me wait for this? The decision was granted at the end of March.

movie diary on Letterboxd -> here!


6:00pm - What an anxious day. No, I didn't get paid yet. However, I spoke with the man who handles my claim at w.s.i.b. and he informed me of the amounts I would be paid and said it'd be next week and soon thereafter. I'll be paid in various quantities until it's all straightened out and then after that the pay should be regular again. About what I figured I'd be paid in back pay is approximately what they will be paying me. Although I wish it had been more I'm going to be able to take care of what I had hoped with extra to set aside. Not a lot extra but at least something which is better than nothing. I will be relieved to finally have the closure that receiving the money will help with. I don't know if I will ever get absolute closure with this entire thing (it seems doubtful) but I will have to live with it.

I was also able to speak with the psychiatrist today. It's awesome that he returns my call like that. I was able to let him know something regarding the treatment and a decision I made. It was nerve-wracking because I didn't know if he would judge me or be critical of it but it turns out that my reasoning made sense and it's all good. I have an appointment in June but I couldn't wait that long to let him know because the impact is going to affect me sooner rather than later. Speaking with him today also resulted in him referring me to a counselor or someone with the outpatient services so that I can get some therapy, some more help. The dialectical behaviour therapy group that I'm on the list for won't start until the fall or maybe later so getting someone to talk with before then would be a good thing. I want to get better, to be more functional and healthy. Lots of work to do.

8:35pm - Two important things were taken care of by the late afternoon. The first one was that I found out (finally!) approximately when I would be paid (next week and possibly the following week or up to a couple weeks after that to straighten out the arrears payments and get on schedule) and I was also told the approximate amount of what I will be paid. This was very good to hear because waiting AND not knowing were quite stressful on me and felt like more of the same of what I have struggled with for years - very frustrating. Second, I was able to speak with the psychiatrist about my specific treatment which helped ease my mind considerably as I felt it important to be honest with him and needed him to know what was going on so that he can continue to help with my care. All along, regardless of who I was dealing with, I've stuck to the truth. It didn't get me anywhere but at least it was one thing that I had.

In other news, my partner and I changed the wedding date. Instead of being next month (that's WAAAY too soon and I'm WAAAY too fat!) we will be getting hitched in the late fall. I'm hopeful that by adding extra time, I can lose some of this extra weight. I mean, I can't get any fatter. Right?

I'm having an argument with myself over whether I will go to school on Monday or not. I hate being this stressed out about it. I don't like being so panicked over something that shouldn't be this hard to do. I want to get out there and do something but the fear is overwhelming. I am trying to calm myself, to think of how I will go the first day and take it from there, one day at a time. I feel ill at the thought of it. I wish this was easier for me. It's horrible now because I'm going to be sick if I don't go and I'll be a wreck if I do. Either way, now that I've said I would go, I'm messed up about it. It's so dumb, too, as this was something I wanted to do for myself. No one was making me do this. I wanted to do it. I wanted to be ready.

Life is short - why am I making myself suffer?

Recently started writing in my paper journal a bit more. I'm so out of practice with it. I have an interesting stack of empty journals that I'd like to write in so I best get into the habit of scribbling again. I wish it wasn't so hard to do the things I enjoy. I'm not in the grips of a depression but I am floundering in my lack of confidence.



We received Bill Murray in the mail. It's a print in a beautifully ornate frame by replace face. We wanted to add some art work to the apartment after our recent furniture adventure and this was the first one we decided on together. We watch 'Groundhog Day' every year and enjoy several of his other films, too. It just makes sense. He looks great above the tv on the entertainment wall where the dvds, action figures and pop culture references go.

My new phone should be here next week. Yes, I bought a BlackBerry but the pull of an iphone was too strong. I've wanted one for years and now I have the opportunity so... it should be here soon!

The other thing that should be here next week, if all goes well, is the pay. The back pay and whatnot. If they were figuring out the money on Tuesday and issued the cheque, it should be here this coming week, right? I won't know until it is in my hands but I'm hopeful. The marriage ceremony is fast approaching and I want to be sure it's covered (and I need to find a dress - not a wedding dress but something nice at least) and then of course, I want the honeymoon to be covered. Well, it's not exactly the honeymoon but it's that trip to Italy we'd like to take. We know which tour we'd like. I really want to have the tickets for that, to know it's a sure thing. I've been learning a little bit of Italian but I'm certain I'd apply myself to it more if I knew I'd definitely be traveling.

While waiting for Daft Punk's new album to be released over here, iTunes has a nice little various artists lp I downloaded: 30 Stars of the 80's. Yes, it's the same hits that are usually on these compilations but it's a good listen. I like 80's songs. I was listening to some cassettes the other day and I will never tire of that era for music. I'm not surprised that this album is number one at the moment in itunes for Canada. Nostalgia rules.



I used my Diana F+ camera, finally. I kept it in the box since January of last year and only took it out this week. It's just that it looked so nifty in the box and also, I was nervous about using film again. I used to take photos a lot with film cameras but now it's been a number of years - what, a decade almost? - of only using digital. Of not having to get film developed. Of taking numerous photos and easily deleting the ones I don't like. It's nerve-wracking to feel the responsibility of film! But I did it. I haven't shot a roll yet but I may just finish it off today with random things because it's not like the first roll will be much good anyway. I think the first photo I took is a triplicate exposure of the floor because I didn't realize I was flipping the shutter. It seemed too simple a way to take a photograph. Hopefully the couple of photos I took in Waterworks Park with my camera will turn out but I'm not sure - my hands aren't too steady. I purchased several rolls of film from lomography.com and I'll try to have some fun with it. I'm thinking of getting the smartphone scanner if I actually get a few rolls shot and the outcome doesn't totally suck.



The bathtub taps were replaced with one of those single faucets. That meant that people were in the apartment and that I was a complete wreck. I shook something awful, like a flag in a rough wind, I couldn't stop. All because there were people here? It was ridiculous. I wish I could have controlled it but I couldn't. It lasted even longer because they had to leave to buy a part they needed and then come back again. Thankfully, near the end, I was chatting with them a little bit (took a xanax) and as they were leaving, one of the fellas and I had a talk about anxiety. Turns out he's on zoloft for it since January and that it's one of a series of meds he's taken for it but it seems to really be working out for him. He's a thirty year old handsome guy with a great smile and I thought it was awful he had this but at the same time, how awesome was it that he was able to talk about it? There's a camaraderie between people who can understand something they both struggle with - something that many people don't understand. I felt like the conversation was a random act of kindness for us both.

I don't think I'm ready for school yet.

Public transit is weird in St. Thomas. Of course it's different than living in a big city like Toronto - where they had buses and streetcars and subway trains - it's nothing like that at all here. (Yes, I miss streetcars. As a side note, St. Thomas had them around the 1900's but sadly, not anymore - they went the way of most of the rail lines that used to exist in this almost ghost town) Now, there are these vans that are buses or buses that are like vans and there are about a half dozen of them that try and cover most of the city, including some of the very outskirts of it. This means that I find myself looking at a barn and field when on the bus. It's a weird experience.



To get to where we were going, it meant a bus ride that took us on a 20 minute journey only to go right near where we got on and then we end up at the shopping area where the buses meet up. After a wait, we were on another bus to take us to the northside where we got off near the destination and walked. Waterworks Park is near the school I went to for grade 7 and 8.





Waterworks Park


We went to the park before the leaves have bloomed, the gardens are still sleeping, most everything is still brown-ish. But you can see things starting to come back. Wildlife is spawning and leaves are budding. Little wildflowers in the grass. And I was stung by a wasp. It was nice to walk around anyway but it should be very pretty later on in the Spring, closer to Summer.




















I felt really panicked as we were leaving the park. Maybe it was because I would be walking through the neighbourhood where I grew up? Maybe I was still a bit freaked out about being stung - I haven't had that happen to me since I was a kid! Maybe it was just because I have anxiety and for me to be oot & aboot today was a big deal for me. Either way, as we walked up what used to be known as "snake hill" (closed off for over a decade) I felt like my chest was going to bust. I made it though. Helps to have a friend along. After leaving the park, we walked all the way to a restaurant called Bella Jack's - yummy! - and then we took another bus home. We were outside walking around long enough for me to get a sunburn. I have a sunburn on the 1st of May.

Oh, blah.

I made a phone call to W.S.I.B. to find out what is going on with my file now that the Appeals Tribunal is over with and the paperwork states, "...if the decision requires WSIB to take action, it may take at least one month for the WSIB to process the decision before implementing the Tribunal order(s)." It's been over a month now. I haven't received any correspondence from them and they haven't contacted me for additional information. I called the number provided regarding "the implementation of this decision by the WSIB" and was passed around a few times until I was, on my second phone call, sent to someone's voice mail. I left a message asking what was going on with my file and if the decision was being processed, where it was at. From what was mentioned, nothing has been sent out. This is frustrating. And typical. I don't know how long they're going to jerk me around on this either.

9:43am After being sent to this number and that number, the Tribunal directing me to Fair Practices & then being sent back to WSIB to leave a message, I feel flustered and exhausted. I was also told something that makes sense and set me straight, disappointing as it sounds - it could take many months for me to receive the money. It could take a long time. It's good that I know this but it's also upsetting. For one thing, if the disposition had not been decided in my favour and I had been the one to owe money, you can bet I would have to do so by now. But for them, it could take them months?!? and months?!!? Well, they'll have to pay me even more then. But still...

Being passed around and calling this number and that number, leaving messages for this and that person, it was increasingly anxiety-inducing. I am not good with these people. There's also this tag line they use on their voice mails about "being safe" at work and I just think of how they don't support injured workers when it comes down to it. The injured always have to fight, it seems, for proper compensation and for an ounce of dignity when dealing with this organization. Having to struggle to survive, living in poverty, trying to live with mental illness that has, at times, been seriously aggravated by the situation and everything I had to try and cope with over the years - to finally think it's over and to be told that it's not - it's a thud in the chest. I wanted it to be finished.

I am grateful that I have a good home environment. My basic hierarchy of needs is provided for. I am loved and cared for. I am safe. I am receiving medical care. I need to be mindful of this.

Hey, it's not like I haven't waited for them before. I've waited and waited and waited. I'm the girl who waited. I have been left to fend for myself for years. I've waited for an opening to escape circumstances. I've waited for them time and again. I was hoping I didn't have to wait anymore but of course there is more waiting.

This changes the time frame for some of the plans I had. For instance, I don't think that Italy is a possibility this year if the money doesn't arrive in time. It doesn't mean I'll never get to go but it does mean it won't be able to happen when I had hoped. As for the marriage ceremony, I believe we can still follow through with that but it looks like my trip in July to Toronto will have to be canceled. I wanted to go for my birthday and stay a few days in a hotel downtown but now... argh. We should sit down and make a budget for the next few months tonight. It's something we should do anyway but now that I know the other money won't be here anytime soon, we have to get a handle on things.

I probably would have been broken just a bit more if I was still on my own like I had been. The reality was, I couldn't afford to live. Disability wasn't enough to pay for everything. I can't even say how I managed. All I can feel is thankful that I don't have to face those circumstances with the extra knowledge that "I won" but I don't get any money for an indefinite period of time. That would be painful. You could say, "well, at least you'd be getting some!" but the anguish of not having it but knowing it is coming but not knowing when is horrible. It is incredibly stressful to live with that sort of thing. Waiting plus not knowing is terrible. I certainly had enough of it.

10:43am The WSIB case manager called me back. I feel much better about things now. Also, he was very good in talking with me. I let him know at the start that I can sound aggressive when I'm anxious but it's nothing personal but I didn't actually get to that point in the conversation. He spoke decently and amicably with me. Apparently, he has had my file since 2010 but it's been hands-off because my claim went to Appeals Tribunal. Now that the decision has been made, he can take the steps to follow through. And no, it won't take months and months. In fact, he has the payment department working on it right now. Also, I should be hearing from a Nurse on his team. They discussed my case and so when he asked a few questions of me I was able to let him know who my psychiatrist is, what treatment I am currently in and a general idea of what I'm doing at the moment. I also let him know I'd be taking an afternoon high school credit course soon (next week!) and all of this helps. I have always been forthcoming in dealing with WSIB and anyone else involved about what I do, what I think, how I feel - any and all assessments I have always given the information required and then some.

I have always sided with being open and honest and although it didn't get me anywhere for a very long time, I didn't veer from that. If I was to win my claim at all, I would not lose that part of me that believed in telling the truth. At times, the truth was all I had to hold on to.

So, yes, I over-reacted today. But if you knew what I had gone through just since 2007 when the claim was discontinued for "non-compliance" well, you'd understand. Maybe. I mean, I had a significant other at one time who totally did not understand. I thought he did but he didn't. It turns out that he, in fact, thought that my illness was something I should get over and that my claim was some sort of welfare. It was heartbreaking to be treated that way by someone who was supposed to be my loved one but I learned over the years that some people will never understand, have empathy or knowledge about anything outside of their own bubble. Again, I'm thankful for the person who is in my life now. I'm also thankful that I get to share the positive outcome with him as well. He deserves it for standing by me.

Hopefully, this chapter is soon to be closed.
I'm ready to write the next one.
Really ready. Really, really.