alice is listening to you

well no one told me about her

The round up via susandennis who got this via slinkslowdown.

1. First name: amber dawn

2. Age: 37 - July 25, 1978

3. Location: St. Thomas, Ontario, Canada.

4. Occupation: I occupy myself.

5. Partner: Husband. Married November 1st, 2013.

6. Kids: Never!

7. Brothers/Sisters: Twin sister, deceased.

8. Pets: Vincent and Pekoe, adopted in January 2015.

9. List the 3 biggest things going on in your life:

- I'm writing every day.
- I'm writing every day.
- I'm writing every day.
Another 30 Days in Agoraphobia

Day 26: knowing is half the battle

Day 26: knowing is half the battle


Thursday, November 26th, 2015.
Did I go outside today? Yes, briefly. It was across the street to the bank. Deposited my bi-weekly pay. Paid Telus bill. Got ten dollars in coins to add to the laundry coins jar. We went to the grocery store afterward. I had a massive headache that wouldn't go away. It was after we were back that husband went to the pharmacy and got some ibuprofen for me because the Tylenol did nothing for me earlier. He was at the bedside with it and I fell back to sleep after a sip of ginger ale. I got up reluctantly after the third alarm I had set because I knew I had to write my words tonight - 750 words at the very least to keep my writing streak going.

10:45pm I'm feeling better than I did earlier but that doesn't say much. The bath I took this afternoon should have improved things but my back hurt and that headache came on strong. Combined, it was a bit much. This moon will wane. The new carpet glue smell will, too. I'm still not quite right tonight, although there was some good news given to us from someone else, about themselves, so that was a good thing.


10:53pm You know how you can know some things? I seem to be good at that. Sometimes it's about something specific that happens - job promotions and life events - or it's about some thoughts or feelings, a certain train of thought that I pick up on and find out later that I wasn't being paranoid or assuming, but eerily accurate. I don't do anything to tend to these things - whether it's the empathic stuff or the knowing - and I don't apply it to myself, unless someone else is the main focus. I can pick up on things through dreams, too. All of this makes me sound bat shit but it's happened too often over the years for it to be random. I've had at least two previous partners tell me NOT to say anything about something because it would happen, it would be true. And yet, I've been so blind at times when it comes to my own life - maybe because I didn't want to see - or this contrasting gullibility and naivety that ran parallel to all this, somehow. I have a strong instinct and intuition but I have developed incredible ways of ignoring it / going against it / pushing it down / insert various ways of not helping myself in this way. The self-destructive force is strong in this one.

I'm not saying I can go out and find a missing body or predict lottery numbers but chances are, I'm probably more aware than you'd expect, even if I seem to be sleeping most of the time.

The thing is, whereas something like this was an interesting thing to have now and then when I was in the mood to pay attention to it, now, I am too grumpy. Chronic pain, hormones, anxiety and the other issues - who knows - but I have a thread of impatience and irritability that comes with all of the above and doesn't suit "knowing stuff" too well. Meaning, I can't be sitting here like I'm full of the peace of understanding and have much calming affect when I'm not feeling well. I'm not unaware that jumping to conclusions and so forth can be a terrible trait and if I'm steps ahead on a tangent, I seem ridiculous, except to those who know that while I can do this, I'm probably on to something.

I saw something on the internet about how there aren't any psychic people - that's it's merely people who can pick up on the various clues and put them together - kind of a Sherlock Holmes thing - and be able to know things by seeing all these various connections with their brain working a certain way and that's how they know things - just some faster synapse work - nothing else special about it. I don't know how that explains all of it though. I think people will believe what they want to believe. I have not wanted to believe in anything and wouldn't claim anything about myself. But there seems to be a pattern. Hunches that turn into what it is. I remember a few months back when I didn't want to know stuff because I was scared of just how I kept knowing things. Knowing that I'm not even trying and that if I did, what would I become aware of and how would that affect my life? Worse is to know that there is so much I will not know that directly relates to or has affected myself and that no matter what I get right, there will be something that I'll be blindsided by. To keep me humble?

This was ridiculous to write about but whatever. I've a feeling it's something more common than people let on. Also, we're taught in therapy how we shouldn't be mind readers (always assuming we know what someone else is thinking) and I get that and understand how it can be damaging to relationships but I've also known and experienced what happens when we ignore our gut about something we feel we're picking up on because we don't want it to be true or we would prefer to not know. As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20 but I think that just shows that we actually noticed the clues along the way but we choose not to pick them up.

Sometimes knowing is losing and we would rather hold on.
If we all let go, we would know much more than we should.

Maybe that's why we don't.

365 Days (2015): Day 330
Another 30 Days in Agoraphobia

Day 25: what happens when you don't sweep things under the carpet

Day 25: what happens when you don't sweep things under the carpet

Wednesday, November 25th, 2015.
Did I go outside today? No.

It's been an eventful day. The new carpet is in the hallway outside the door. It's a dark pattern and doesn't look anything nearly as nice as the previous carpet that they had. (Though a second look had me thinking it's not so bad.) Again, I say, the hallway carpets in this building were kept up well for the longest time, up to when there was a change in assistant managers, and for a short time after that. With the current staff, the idea of vacuuming the hallway carpet, let alone giving it a steam cleaning if there were any stains, well, that just seemed to be something that wasn't on the list. I made mention of it in the form of an email and it was responded with something about how the carpets were done on a regular basis and blah blah blah, no. An additional voice mail left to me once the memo on November's rent money order was noticed stated that she was sorry they weren't up to my standards but blah blah blah etc, some more. I didn't reply to the email or the voice mail because I'm not going to argue with someone who is either purposely looking the other way as to the obvious neglect of the carpets or they truly had those standards.

I think this whole thing was all the more disappointing for me because I previously lived in this building about a decade ago (when I first relocated to St. Thomas after the factory years) and the carpets were in good shape and the building well kept - and when I returned here December 1st, 2012, the carpets were the same and looked just as good as they did when I saw them last. Such a shame to see them go downhill this year. Now that new carpets have been installed, I only hope that they don't take that as a pass to continue to not vacuum and maintain them or else we're going to have ugly looking dirty carpets within a few months. For instance, after the work was done on the carpets, the building managers (assistant or otherwise, take your pick, there are four full-time, paid and apartment for free staff on site combined for two buildings!) well, someone should have or could have been vacuuming up the mess after the work was done.

Other than that, things are fine for us. Our apartment is spacious, we're comfortable here, we pay our rent ahead / on time every month. It's been a good place to start over again. But both my husband and I are looking forward to when we're not paying rent but instead paying for a place that is our own. Then the standards I have, whether considered high or not, are up to us to maintain. I am thankful we've had this place but it feels like it's time for the next step. It looks like that step will take us several months yet before we can make it. It could be later next year instead of early Spring. It'd be nice if we had our own home by my birthday (husband wanted to have a place by his birthday but I don't think we'll be able to now) but whenever it is, we've both decided we're focused in on that goal. We want to pay toward a place that is our home.

For awhile there, we were thinking we'd just keep renting and staying in this apartment. It's large enough, we have enough room for ourselves, the place isn't cluttered, it's got a balcony, we like it well enough, it's a decent quality of life. But since I've come around to the realization (or acceptance) of making my hometown my home for years to come, to make a life with my husband here, it makes more sense for us to find a house together. With the amount we pay in rent, we could pay less on a mortgage and have more to show for it down the road. I didn't think it was a good option for us previously but once we actually met with a mortgage specialist and had a look at the numbers and what we would qualify for as a couple, it made a lot more sense.

Why didn't we decide sooner? I guess it wasn't time. We needed time in our relationship and settling down here before we were able to visualize it as an achievable goal. It also helps that I've stopped looking at apartment ads for places in Toronto and that we've lived here for three years when December comes around. How quickly that has happened is just another reminder of how fast it's all going by and if we want to switch from renters to home owners, we ought to get on that shortly because in a few years we'll be forty.

10:58pm Rambling on about that got me to the daily 750 words goal. I was worried when I began my writing tonight that I wouldn't make it because I was starting to write so much later than I'd like. It helps when I'm on a tangent.

11:01pm I think about that house we really wanted, with a location we wanted, appealing features to it, upgrades and price and so many things about it that we both liked - but the fact is, we may miss out on it by the time we've got our down payment together. It's just the way it is but maybe it's helped us to realize that we really do want this. I only hope that if it's not waiting for us by the time we're ready to buy, that another place that makes us feel the same sort of way, in as good or better a location, as suitable or even better, will catch our attention. We'll know it when it happens. In the meantime, we've got a goal together and we're going to put it up on the priority list, after paying our regular bills on time / ahead every month. You can feel our intention, our united focus on this. We both want this. I know that he wanted a house a long time before I ever came around to the idea but in a marriage, it helps to have two people on the same page. Also, it probably would have been too soon. I think I needed those few years to mourn Toronto. It's a big city to get over, you know?

I'm wondering if my health has something to do with this, among other factors. What I mean is, I wonder if I'm supposed to be here long enough to get the back thing taken care of and the hysterectomy and THEN we move to our new place. The reason why this comes to mind is that the previous time I lived (comfortably, I might add) in this apartment building, I went through adjustments and changes but also had to suffer through the gall bladder issues and had the surgery when I was a tenant here. I did my healing from this place. It was a mostly senior building at the time and I was the only young person paying rent at the time. That's not so much the case now but still, maybe this is a waiting room type of building before the next step. For some, it's to a nursing home or to the hospital at the end of their lives. For others, it might be the first step toward getting things together and then moving on to another stage in their life - (I moved to a different apartment in another part of town, learned some new lessons, started dating, etc & then moved to Toronto) - so this place seems to have a way for me.

Forget the hallway carpets thing and the current managers (they weren't the managers when I lived here last time and it's doubtful they will be another decade or so's time) and whatever else, this building has been good to me. It's been a place I went to during a huge change for me in my mid-to-late '20s and it ended up being the same for me again in my mid-to-late '30s. The fact is, it has been here for me. The way we were able to move in here and they still had my previous rental application and final move out checklist on file was trippy and kind of neat. The way the man who had this apartment prior to us moving in didn't pass here but was in the hospital when we were fingers-crossed waiting to find out if we'd get the apartment in time to move for husband's start date at work - to get the permission from him and his family to move in when he could have held on to the apartment another month - it all flowed together (rushed together, went together like it was meant to be) and I'm thankful for that and won't forget it. I feel connected to this place.

Which is probably why I took the hallway carpets situation personally. Why I felt intuitively that the moving out of cornerstone good people that were in this building when we moved here was going to herald a time period of difficulty for this building, where we'd see some decline and uncomfortable times - it's like places need certain types of people, like the way piano lady made me feel like things would be okay when I heard her playing in the apartment above when we moved in, or how it's a healthy sign when the older ladies gather together to socialize in the lobby on the couches, or how there needs to be people who care enough to check on friends and see how they are, how it's good to say hello, how I get an icky kind of feeling when some of the past year or so approved tenants weren't going to work out because you just knew they wouldn't from the vibe you'd get and that it wasn't a fit - I'm going on as if I know a thing or two about this thing but I think I do, somehow.

11:22pm Apparently, I hit the NaNoWriMo quota for today. I didn't intend to or think that I'd do that. I'm short on gold stars for my NaNoWriMo calendar and I wanted to cut back for a day or two and then gun it near the end but when it's a night where the words come, let them! I wasn't even paying attention to where I was at - surprised it's relatively early compared to some nights where I've scrambled to get the words down.

365 Days (2015): Day 329

That moon, tho!

11:25pm I think - was stopped in my tracks by a song that showed up on shuffle that is beautiful - 'Wrap Your Arms Around Me' by Barenaked Ladies from the album 'Gordon' - such a gorgeous song - I have the cassette in my music collection and it's one of those songs I didn't hear as much played on the radio as other songs on it but when I discovered it on my own, it moved me so. It isn't connected to any lover or time (lovers in a dangerous time - they covered that song very well, too) but it is a beautiful song. I remember when their band name was considered quite scandalous. Now, who cares, eh?

11:33pm I had to look up the lyrics because as I sing along with utter abandon, I don't want to get the lyrics wrong.

Just did a word count check and I'm nearly at two thousand words. Whoa! One of those nights where I expect to struggle but it all comes forth from the fingers faster than thought. Still swept up in this song but it's on it's last replay or else I'll be lost in it and find myself scrambling too close to midnight to finish up.

Songs that we loved before we knew what love was. I mean, before we'd been in love, had it reciprocated and lost, or non-reciprocated and tossed, been romantically taken over or gave our everything to someone without keeping hold of ourselves, the love, how we learned there would be different ways of loving (and losing) and the years it would take before many of those lyrics would take on new meaning or any meaning at all.

I'm in love with music tonight.

& the moon.