alice pulling back the curtain

But who saved me from the truth?

posted in embodiment (here)

Interesting passage relevant to those who write not only for themselves, but with the possibility in mind of others reading their personal writings as well.

"At the Public Library at Forty-second Street I saw the room of manuscripts. It looked like a jail cell. It was locked, and not only locked but it had a heavy iron-grille door like that of a prison. It was more terrible to me, this burying of manuscripts, than the burial of a body in the earth. Perhaps because I have been tormented by the ethical conflict of the diary. Should I destroy it for the sake of human beings it might wound, or keep it because it has value for human beings. I received my life from books. So I would be killing a life-giving creation, to save a few from the truth. But who saved me from the truth? No one ever spared me that. The world needs the truth. No matter how painful. Because when people bury the truth it festers. The grilled, locked room of the Public Library is also the tomb in which we lock the dangerous truths.
I cannot imagine my diaries there. Read in gloom and darkness, not in the sun and by the sea."
- Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anais Nin Volume Five 1947-1955
everything was beautiful nothing hurt

It's not that I don't want to write...

Sunday, July 20th, 2014.
Received an email recently that said, "missing your writing...." and it's not the first one of that sort that has appeared in my Inbox, so here I am. I've thought of writing - is that the same thing? No? Oh.

It's been easier to make voice posts than it has been to make myself write. There is so much going on in my head - emotions, thoughts & feelings, flashbacks, wishes & wants & regret - it can be a bit overwhelming, especially since I don't sleep much these days which means even more time to be caught in those loops.

Look, I've tried to write. For a string of days there, I wrote a page in my paper journal but most anything I've been able to share of any depth is on my LiveJournal either typed or rambled in a voice post. It's not enough, I know. Writers write.

Kudos to myself for getting outside twice with my camera, eh? I hope to go for more walks and dare I actually get on my bicycle sometime soon? I'd like to. I daydream about it in the hopes of motivating myself. Thinking I might go for nighttime bike rides. I can't say when I'll actually do this. The other morning when I went for a short walk a few blocks away to where the sidewalk ends with the intention of photographing the sunrise, I had no plans to do it. It was something I spontaneously felt inspired to do and I made myself get dressed and do it before I could talk myself out of it. I was awake anyway so I thought, why not? If I could think that way all the time, I'd take a lot more walks and have a lot more photos.

11:04pm My birthday is in a few days and I have no plans. Last year I treated my Dad to a few days stay in Toronto. This year, maybe I'll do the "stay awake the full 24 hours" thing that I've done before, to experience every moment of it, even if nothing interesting happens. Just be aware and acknowledge that I am alive.

I miss the lion cat very much. The loss of him feels like I've lost Hagrid again too - both of my boys - gone. I'm turning 36 in a few days and they were both with me when I was in my early '20s. I thought they'd both be around a lot longer. Especially Lion. I didn't realize he was starving to death. We just figured he was getting pickier, getting older - we didn't know he was dying. I know I'm not actually alone - that I have friends & family & a husband & the other cat (Miss Kitty Meow) - but with Lion gone, I felt left behind, on my own. I'm starting to cry again, dammit. It sounds stupid, I know, but I guess, because of how long I had Lion (and Hagrid) and because of the particular years and all the events that happened during them, that they were the most constant beings in my life. For Lion to have to go, to leave me now and so suddenly, it gutted me. Tears running down my face. At least I am allowing myself to feel it. But it sucks.

Maybe it's time for me to love the people around me more. I used to joke to my husband that if it came down to choosing, if something happened, I'd pick Lion over him. Without a second thought. That sounds cruel but Lion had been by my side a heck of a lot longer than him and maybe it's stupid to pick an animal over a human but the bond was strong. Now, Lion took that card out of my hand. Looks like my husband wins that one after all, by process of elimination. I wasn't going to leave anyway. Although I was Lion's human, that cat had great affection for my husband, just as Hagrid did. Maybe that's why they both trusted him enough to leave me with him. I'm grateful that I wasn't alone through the loss of either one of them and that my partner understands my grief and why it is such a sad loss for me. But yeah, my heart is broken enough that maybe the outer shell will disintegrate from all these stupid tears and I can learn to love humans more again. I don't know. Humans aren't as consistent in love. Speaking from experience.

11:43pm Things I try to think of instead of dead cats - hopeful that the balcony will officially be reopened by the end of the month like it's rumored to be! it would be wonderful for the construction on the apartment building to be done with - been thinking about how I'd like to go to Paris, France but our next trip would probably be to England, Ireland & Scotland (I want to go everywhere, eh?) - but also thinking about how we're wanting to travel through Canada and the U.S. when we have a car - definitely thinking about how it'd be nice to have a car because of where we live now - and I'm reading lots of Anaïs Nin and listening to a lot of music and watching YouTube videos and basically distracting myself as much as possible - oh, and I have the follow-up gyno appointment next month so I'm starting to get really stressed serious about losing some weight so that we can get the surgery done - I want to get healthy and get out there - I'm not getting any younger.
alice dream

Don't be afraid to do what you love, to be who you are.

* Anaïs Nin
* Full Commencement Address by Jim Carrey
* Woody Allen Believes That Life Is Meaningless

Fear is going to be a player in your life, but you get to decide how much. You can spend your whole life imagining ghosts, worrying about your pathway to the future, but all there will ever be is what’s happening here, and the decisions we make in this moment, which are based in either love or fear.

So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect, so we never dare to ask the universe for it. I’m saying, I’m the proof that you can ask the universe for it — please! And if it doesn't happen for you right away, it’s only because the universe is so busy fulfilling my order. It’s party size!

My father could have been a great comedian, but he didn’t believe that was possible for him, and so he made a conservative choice. Instead, he got a safe job as an accountant, and when I was 12 years old, he was let go from that safe job and our family had to do whatever we could to survive.

I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love. - @Jim Carrey
alice adventure outside

sunrise in st. thomas

Since I was awake all night and daylight was approaching, I decided to get dressed, put my camera around my neck and push myself out the door. I see the specialist next month and I haven't lost the weight I need to for surgery and I really need to get to it already, ya know?

It was still dark out when I set off to go for a walk down the street. I didn't go very far but at least I got outside and did some walking? Better than none? I took a lot of photos and vines (the vines make up a 39 second YouTube video posted near the end of this entry) and I even took a self portrait in the sunlight - a rarity for me, for sure.

As you can tell by the first photo, the apartment building is still under construction. Hopeful they'll complete the work soon and give us access to our balcony again!

under construction

Sunrise in St. Thomas

sunrise in st. thomas [Link]

finale: sunrise selfie
sunrise selfie
[17 July 2014 / Saint Thomas, Ontario, Canada]