alice teacup

break the fourth wall

Thursday, February 11th, 2016.
OH GEESH! I'm leaving this to the last possible few minutes and I wonder if that means I won't be able to keep the writing streak going past last night's post? I hope that I can do this. I know that I can type fast but that doesn't mean I can think of enough to write and if I keep backspacing, I'm not going to get too far with this. The pressure is on!

I went outside this evening with husband. He had purchased two tickets for us to see 'Deadpool' - he's been looking forward to this film for a long time and the home screen on his phone has the character on it. I don't usually go with him but I was intrigued by this film. Honestly, I'm tired of all the superheroes stuff but that's only because there is so much of it. At first, I was happy that it was finally time for this but it was at the last 'Avengers' film where they showed a preview of 'Ant-Man' and I was like, "Nope!" and figured the comic bubble would burst after that. But no, it's a franchise train that is chugging along still and now, with 'Deadpool' I think the timing couldn't have been better for it to be made. Just when some of us are tiring of it, Ryan Reynolds is making it more awesome. So, if it's true that a sequel has already been given the green-light, I'm in. Also, for the people who left before the credits were done - after paying full movie ticket price to see this - what the heck were they thinking? They only had to sit through the song 'Shoop' and they could have seen one of the best after film scenes I've seen in a long time. Also, I still know a lot of the lyrics to that song. I also love 'Careless Whisper' - sigh! Yes, if you're into this type of film, go see it. It's for adults though.

11:35pm Turns out I don't have to go without cappuccinos! Husband gave almond milk a try tonight and he was wondering if it would foam well and by gosh, it did. I think it tastes good but it's been a few years since I drank this stuff. Husband insisted on getting the original as well as the vanilla which he wants to use on his cereal. I'm not twisting his arm on this or anything. He's genuinely curious about this. He's willing to try different things when it comes to food and I'm impressed. He's still going to eat whatever and that's great but I am thankful that he's supportive of my decision and curious enough to try things with me. It goes along way in helping me to feel like I can do this.

11:42pm Not sure that I can write 750 words before midnight. Not much time left. I'm also listening to music in my ears because I wanted to be able to tune out the sound of the television from the living room. Yes, this has created a bubble of only the music but I can hear it so well that I'm not sure I can think of anything to write, off the cuff like this, quick enough.

One of the things about going to the movies tonight was the push out the door I did (internally) despite how low I've been feeling about myself. I have been taking photos from the balcony view and I've not been out for a bit. Likely was out last week but it feels longer when I'm thinking about it all the time. It was cold but we only had to go across the street and into the mall through the Metro (grocery store) and to the movie theatre. I remember when it was shinier and more new the last time I lived here in my hometown. Hey, at least we still have a movie theatre in town. It's handy for it to be across the street. Tuesdays are when the price is cut in half and it's a good deal. The only thing that bothered me tonight was that there were a couple holes in the screen. I was distracted by that a few times. I wondered how the holes happened - (shakes fist at kids these days) - and I also wondered how expensive it would be to replace it? Probably more than this movie theatre can afford, given that most people head out of town for their entertainment experience.

11:48pm I DID IT! I made it to the word goal before midnight! I didn't think I would or could but I did! I didn't write about anything but at least I didn't break my writing streak! This means I can try tomorrow and maybe then I'll write about things I've been thinking about that take more time to write?
we are all mad

writing about not writing

Wednesday, February 10th, 2016.
It was sometime in the early morning hours (around three a.m.) that I decided I would not be a vegetarian at the end of the month - I would take it the extra step. I had a moment where it clicked for me and then I made the decision. It just makes sense for me.

10:39pm I heard a train whistle blowing a moment ago. Once the sound of it was gone, I turned on some music to write along. I'm approaching this session with nothing in particular to post, as seems to be usual. All the time, even when I'm falling into or out of dreaming, I think of so many things, past events and people and I reflect on whatever I might have consumed (as good a word as any) such as videos & vlogs, music, pages of a book, conversations, news feeds, etc. Then, by the time I'm allowing myself to write, I'm blank. It is good to have this ability to quiet the constant dialogue but why does it happen when I'm about to write? Wouldn't that be the better time to have random memories surface, flashes of places I've been like paragraphs of prose, all the feelings that were once so strong that they reach me even now in this feeling far away point in time? It doesn't work that way for me.

Either I need to write every time something comes to me, somehow reference it for later and compile my notes for the end of the day - or I have to realize that maybe the quiet of my mind when I'm first sitting down to write is part of the process for me and maybe it's not so bad. Maybe it's my way of becoming meditative or of preparing to write. Often, I find that I don't start to hit my stride until I'm around 1000 words in and by then, even though I feel that things are finally moving, I stop. I've hit my quota, I've done the work, I pack up and return to my distractions.

11:00pm The deadline approaches. I will make it to 750 words before midnight even if I'm typing about nothing because I will not break this new writing streak without a good reason. I know that not every day will be easy to sit here and try to come up with something to write about when I've spent the majority of the day in bed, in nightmares and strange dreams, or awake in pain, or in my own thoughts, wondering what I can do now, as things are, accepting all as it is, what now? My paper journal got three pages worth today which isn't bad and I shared a bit more there. I'm chipping away. I'm trying.

11:15pm This is much easier to do after I've reached the daily goal but I'm not there yet so I'm finding it hard to pay attention to the task. I start to open up about something and then I press delete / backspace.

Who am I stopping myself for? I'm irrelevant enough by now, aren't I? Shouldn't that allow me the freedom I need to write whatever it is I must?

11:23pm I feel isolated but I'm not.

I have the ability to connect through my writing, my vlogs, my rambling voice posts, my photographs - I exist and I am not off the grid or hidden away somewhere. I'm right here. I am probably retreating more than I thought I could in recent times but it's winter and it's as good a time as any to hibernate awhile.

No matter what I do, it's unlikely I will ever feel like I am enough. This is something I should probably accept by now, at this age, sooner rather than later. What is enough, anyway? Enough in comparison to who? I am not going to find validation in anything or anywhere. I have known for a long time what I want to do and how it connects to my urge to make something of myself. Write. Write like there is nothing else. Eventually, there is nothing else. The inevitable course of my life. So if I am to leave anything behind, amongst all the digital footprints, there should be my own account, as told by me. The one who lived. For what? As a surviving twin, it's though I feel like I was supposed to make something of myself before age 27 to give any validity to us ever having existed.

At 37, now what am I to do, having failed a decade ago to achieve any relevance?
we are all mad

reminder that it's winter still (again)

Tuesday, February 9th, 2016.
Hello to the night time. I'm distracted by vlogs on one of the various tangents of topics that I've got bookmarked in several tabs of the browser. I'm so behind in all that I would like to watch that I have stopped adding so many videos to the 'Watch Later' feature on YouTube and decided to save some for viewing under titles such as "?!" and "!!" and "<3" and now I'm just trying to clear some of those up and still, somehow, get other things done as well. The best thing about this is that I have avoided looking at certain news events that I need to stay away from through other sites and this has helped greatly in reducing some stress. Sometimes, for self-care, one has to disconnect or unplug from certain things, in some way or another.

This morning, snow.

10:40pm Snow has fallen again. This winter has been back & forth and the snow comes & goes. We have a snow squall watch and there is a bit of snow that is going to come down and the temperature is supposed to drop by the weekend considerably and then by the end of the next week it will be above again? Taking a look at the weather app, it's going to be very wintery again. Maybe there's a chance that I can get out there with my camera and take some photos from somewhere other than the balcony. It's going to look beautiful when more snow gets here.

I haven't taken any good nature photos this year yet at all. Not that the world is missing out. So many people are out there taking pictures these days ("everybody's a photographer now!") that it's just as well I'm not adding to the stockpile images.

I feel like I'm reaching another stage of turning inward again - for healing, for changing, for working on myself and putting time into writing, for learning, for reflecting on things - and that's not the worst way to make use of one's time. Earlier this evening, I asked for husband's help in rearranging a couple strings of lights on my matching bookcases. I think that, as I continue to work on various aspects of improving my well-being and health, that I'll start to do other things to care of myself and it will be reflected in the environment around me. In that, I'll declutter some, donate more books, let go of more trinkets that no longer hold value or context in my life, to clear up some space but to maintain a feeling of comfort and coziness. I like having books around me, especially in the place where I want to write, and so I'm not likely to let go of it all - just do some pruning here and there to make sure that what I have fits the ambience I hope to create for myself.

11:14pm Just went down memory lane on a memorialized LJ of someone who passed away over a decade ago. I've stopped by her account more than once over the years but maybe this time it was subconscious because of yesterday when I took out my button collection. I have a lot of them and I want to put them into a different container because they don't suit where they are at the moment and also, I'd like to go through and discard the buttons I might not want anymore. But among them, there are zinester buttons. She was into zines and that's probably why I was just reminded of her. Though I remember her most for not only being an awesome writer and kickass person, but she was so kind and giving of her heart. (Which has me thinking of that dream yesterday? The heart. Maybe I am really missing the heart glow overall? I don't know. Random thought.)

Zines are something I miss a lot. I've missed them since before I put out an issue a bazillion years ago. I've had one in the rough draft stage for over a decade as well. The things we say we'll get to but we put off for various reasons. Some practical, some not - it's just something that I made into such a big thing that it's overwhelmed me in how I'll manage to put it together and explain myself for the length of time it took me to do, to follow through with. All of the things that happened in my life between the start of it and the still as yet to be determined end of it. I haven't tossed it or abandoned it - just filed it for awhile. But the zinester thing, I've not been entirely out of the loop with it. I've purchased zines through a distro here & there, through Etsy too in more recent years. I've kept my correspondence in snail mail from zinesters and I've felt the loss of how I didn't allow myself to embrace the connections I was given. The potential and possibility to not only express myself and share with people who understood but to develop those acquaintance-ship connections into something more substantial based on the already established commonalities and kindredness between us. This has also been something I've had on LiveJournal, back in the day on MySpace, and over the years with vlogging, with more recent communities opening up that I stand on the sidelines too and feel kinship to but make of myself an outsider through inactivity and non-reciprocal interaction.

To this day, I seem to keep at arm's length what could potentially be the greatest friendships I could ever have because I am afraid they'll not accept me. Recent events have only made me feel that I can't be accepted for who and how I am all the more. (Even though, on some level, I realize this can't be true. There will always be "your people" who will find you. You are not alone. Especially on the internet!) Maybe I've told myself that I can't have true friendships and connections now because of things that have happened over the years, most recently, especially. Maybe it's the alienation of family. Maybe it's the hit I took through the years of what I went through in dealing with w.s.i.b., in struggling in poverty, in trying to live and love while not knowing what on earth I was going to do or could do to accomplish my dreams. Of not feeling worthy.

I've written my words for the night. I feel like I'm on the cusp of finally opening up. We'll see.
alice pulling back the curtain

who am i to disagree?

Monday, February 8th, 2016.
My desk chair is not ergonomically correct or safe but damn, it sure looked good on the display floor. It's been here since our big furniture purchase a few years back - when we went halves on buying grown up furniture for our apartment - but this chair is not going to last as long as the rest of the items will. Husband says it has been missing a piece since it was brought home and I have a feeling he's right. I try to make it work because it's a beautiful chair but I honestly don't know if it will be able to stay functional much longer. For a time, I gave up on it and set it against some shelves and the cats would sit on it, while I would use something else. Both of the cats who did that are gone now and I've still kept hold of this chair but it hasn't been good for me. I suppose I was hoping that someone would come around who could fix it or maybe we'd figure something out but that hasn't happened. It's a shame. I thought this would be my writer's chair.

11:19pm The sky looks cool right now. I bet it would look even better if I could get myself out there for a stroll and I wonder when the night will come where I'll get dressed and just go. I think about it. Not motivated. I weighed myself this afternoon and it was not good. It'd been awhile since I'd last checked and there had been a lot of junk food in January especially so I am not surprised by the number. I made note of it in the various places where I keep track of it and wrote in my paper journal. I've already increased my water intake and I know from past achievements what it would take to make the changes I want to see - increase fluids, decrease food intake. I can do it.

11:30pm I'm slower tonight because I was able to talk out some of my thoughts about a documentary I had watched (and connected subject matter related when I'd go on tangents) and so now I'm not feeling any urgency of something I want to write about but can't. I've vented and that's helped. It's another reason why, if you want to be a writer or are one, you're often told NOT to tell anyone what you're writing about (not in any detail, anyway) so that you can save all that for when you get to the actual writing part. Really, I'm saying that I'd probably write a lot more if I talked a lot less. Or maybe I have to find my balance and pick my platforms for what I want to talk about and where I want to share it. I want to write but I have a lot of thoughts and clutter up there and it helps to tidy up a bit before I try to write. I suppose that is the reason why going for walks, for strolls, to go wandering - why that has been such a helpful thing for writers both past and present. I know that it could help me out for both health and to let my mind clear up some but I feel my chest constrict just typing that, at the thought of going out there. Even though I want to go for walks. I want to be out there in the world. Despite all evidence to the contrary. It's hard for me, you see?

matthew good on vinyl

11:45pm It was in a nightmare crash dream where I was trying to wake myself up, to pull myself out of sleep and wake up so that I could write my words for tonight and not break the 750 words daily streak - it was near the end and I don't remember what was going on but I was trying to surface to waking life and as I became more lucid, the dream was breaking down further. I don't remember where it started but I wasn't feeling well when I was sleeping because I had eaten bread and cheese at supper and I knew I'd had too much of it, to make things worse. But that isn't what this is about. It's about the strange thing that happened in it.

One of my exes made an appearance. In my dreams. My first long-term / long-distance / first everything (except kiss) / first f* you up relationship - it was that guy - and he was there for some reason where things were coming apart and the dream was both vlogging and boxcars and interviews and nightmare scenarios with fragments of the dreams before it still trying to tie up loose ends as I became more aware of what was going on - there was a moment. He's been in my dreams before but it's never good because he's held a lot of hostility and a grudge toward me ever since the end years ago and it didn't end well at all, even with the after the ending conversation (which happened in this building over the phone) when it was just done and over done. I tried to get in touch with him later in life because so many years had passed and I wondered, especially when I reached the age he was when he first met me (he was 35 years old and I had been 19 when we met online - turned 20 when he met me in person) and once I'd caught up to that age, I had a lot of thoughts and questions about things. Mostly curious about perspective, you know? With all that I've learned in the years since, I wondered how it was for him. Also, I'd heard he'd had triple bypass surgery and his mother had passed.

But anyway, I'm running out of time before midnight. Basically, in the dream, there was a fleeting moment where his hand and mine reached for one another and I felt something in my heart - a warmth and glow - as though my heart was feeling something it hadn't felt since that time when I was first truly in love, completely naive and unaware of just how destructive romantic relationships could be and how messed up things could get between people who claim to love so deeply. It wasn't specifically about him or me together - there was no going back years ago - but that feeling of loving so openly, with so much trust - of holding nothing back in or of myself - I miss that. I wonder what that part of the dream meant. Was I reconnecting with that part of me that was like that? Does it correlate to me trusting my current relationship more, of settling down and trying to become more open to the love that is here in front of me?

I've tried to fix things between past relationships and myself in dreams before, whether intentionally or not. I've had conversations with people that I loved and lost - and not only lovers but friends from years ago who no longer are in my life, one being the most prevalent who was my pen pal in high school and was my best friend for several years after I was living on my own - those dreams very deeply affect me because of the emotion in them. Also, the old pen pal / best friend one hurts the most whenever she appears because I miss her more than I miss anyone. But in the dreams, I'm either so very happy that I'm able to have a chance to talk about what happened or apologize or catch up on life or just to be around them again or to say that I'm making better choices now, I've learned a lot over the years - but it's just dreams and it usually switches my dream to lucid mode when I realize that this isn't or couldn't be happening. The better ones are when I'm able to have a conversation with past loves and it feels like resolution. But again, it's only a dream and in real life, there likely will never be anything more resolved than what has happened. Life doesn't tend to give you the resolutions we're so used to in our pop culture entertainment. It just doesn't.

The thing about that very small fragment before waking from my nap was that I truly did feel warmness in my heart. I wonder if this has a lot to do with the way I let my husband hold me more often now in bed, where I get a thrill as his arm slides under the pillow to go around me and I feel something again. I could finally be letting down some walls that have been very heavily constructed over the years.

I've loved and I've lost a few times and I could never think of it as getting any easier. I don't think that being closed off (just because this is not the love I intended to have or the person I thought I'd be with) has done me any good at all. And, I can't help but eventually open up because my default was to have a heart that wanted very much to love with all that I could. It's more difficult to do now but I know that I don't want the extreme opposite to happen to me. I don't want to become a cynical, cold and unfeeling person, afraid to love or allow someone to love me, afraid to let people in (even if, as I do, it gives them the potential to possibly hurt me more than if I'd never allowed them in my life at all) and all of these things that can happen as one gets older - well, I just don't want to become my out, my excuse not to love or trust or be happy with the people in my life or the circumstances.

Maybe I metaphorically have started a fire glow in my heart again. Not for those who are no longer in my life, but for the ones who are with room for the people who will be. And myself. I have to warm my heart up for myself, most of all, because that's where the love generates and goes outward. Maybe this has something to do with some meditations I've been doing recently? Various changes I'm making?

Or just random synapses firing but that sounds almost as ridiculous as an ex reaching out to me, eh?