moon look at the moon!

did you see the moon?

Sunday, August 30th, 2015.
No idea how many times I've started to type a journal entry and deleted it instead. I have to push past this because the end of the month is near and I'd like to attempt writing every day. How will I go from hardly writing at all to writing daily? I don't know. I have to try though because November is not far away and that is when I would like to give NaNoWriMo another go again. Writing over 50,000 words last year in November was an accomplishment for me and I'd like to have that feeling this year, too. A friend of mine (Shannon Bo Bannon) gave me the idea for what I could title this year's attempt for National Novel Writing Month and it fits perfectly for the idea of getting me writing without so much stress over the subject matter.

I'm a few days behind with the #VEDA #WBWV vlogging thing. Last year I took clips throughout my days and made a vlog every day with no problem at all but this year I struggle with the prompts and forget keeping up with anything - just couldn't pull myself together for this at all. I wanted to do better than this and now I worry that I won't be able to finish on time. Even though I would say this month has been a complete failure so far as making a video every day goes, I'd like to at least complete all the prompts to know that I followed through with it the best I could. Better luck next year, I hope?

Health-wise, my back pain worsened. This past week has been especially bad. Other issues as well but I can only hope that much of it will be resolved with some more time and more care. I want to change things around in this area because I realize that as I get older, things will only get worse if I don't do what I can now. I also have to accept that some of it is just how it is. Whatever health problems I'm dealing with, I don't want it to be the main focus of my life. I want to participate in my life and not feel trapped by whatever pains me. Some things, we have to figure out how to live with.

11:15pm I went outside today with JB and we took some more footage to add to our #sttont vlog about the recent improvement to the park around the block from us - Optimist Park. It was even nicer this evening when we returned to it and there was no one there. The moon was full and the sky had a purple hue to it. I had my walking stick with me (old lady st. thomas) but at least I got out there. It was good to have a little walk & talk. Also, I need the exercise, even if it's still much too humid for me.

I've signed up to try and type 750 words every day in September. Hoping I do better with that because I want to be ready for NaNoWriMo. I just had this random thought, to wonder if I might be writing poetry soon? Maybe a poem a week? Vlog some, write some, take more photos and try to get more active so that I can get that much-needed surgery? Or am I being over ambitious?

Today we got the papers for our yearly rent increase (starting December 1st) and we felt it was in line and "fine with me!" as husband said. It's expensive for my hometown but not for the building we live in. We're comfortable here and settling in. It will be three years this December and two years of marriage on November 1st. Incredible how quick the time gets away from you as you get older, eh?
come outside no!

Pics or it didn't happen.

(19 August 2015)
Vincent & Pekoe!
Look at how much they've grown since we adopted them!
Vincent & Pekoe

365 Days (2015): Day 231
Not feeling well but haven't missed a day (so far) for the 365 Days project this year.
365 Days (2015): Day 231

(18 August 2015)
The Optimist Club in St. Thomas, Ontario has done an awesome thing with a park not too far from where I live. It was beautiful before but now they have added outdoor exercise machines and a paved track that goes around the perimeter of the park. So many people are going there now to use the equipment and to walk about!

The only complaint my friend JB and I have about it is the added extension to a hill that is already there. I'm not sure why they did that and it seems to be encroaching a little on the beautiful stand alone tree that we like so much.

Other than that, very happy about this investment into making my hometown a better place to live. It's a beautiful improvement to have in the neighbourhood. I'm excited about the positive impact it has already had on people. I'll be going there when the heat of summer subsides.

Also, I'm feeling happier about where we live - our apartment and my hometown - in general. As long as we can get out of town every now & then, we've got it good here. It's comfortable and well-maintained. Sure, there are always things that could be better but I'm feeling thankful.

365 Days (2015): Day 229
Currently reading poetry. Also, moved some bookshelves around.
365 Days (2015): Day 229

& I've taken more photos over on my Flickr and Instagram. I wish I had been making posts along the way but I've been feeling out of sorts, as I mentioned. I'm grateful that despite that, I've managed to get out with my husband, my friend JB (who recently had a birthday!) and that I have been outside every now & then. If it wasn't so uncomfortably hot & humid recently, I'd be out on my coaster bicycle doing some exploring and taking pictures but I don't handle the heat very well.

The photo below is from mid-July (before my 37th birthday - oh gosh - 40 is not too far away, eh?) but this picture makes me feel good because it was a spontaneous thing - I didn't say "hey, everyone smile now!" but just took the photo and everyone happened to look and smile at the same time, including Honey the dog. This was on JB's balcony on a lovely evening when her husband was over (from Ireland) for a visit. When you are able to capture a moment like that, it makes you think, "this is the life. and life is good."

JB"s balcony
we are all mad

write soon.

Wednesday, August 12th, 2015.
I've tried to make a journal post a few times and it hasn't worked out for me. Earlier, I made a voice post, essentially talking to myself for over an hour, but that didn't work out either. It's a shame it didn't because it was helpful for explaining myself and to talk about writing - my need and want to write - as well as sharing some of the other stuff going on with me lately.

I wanted to let those who read me know that I'm still here but I'm struggling at the moment. Whether it's because of my health (physical / mental) or it's the combination of my recent birthday (time marching on) and that terrible Facebook message from my Mother (it's not like one can easily brush off that kind of hatred) or whatever but I have been in and out of shutdown mode in my brain and it's difficult to have all systems go again.

365 Days (2015): Day 224
365 Days (2015): Day 224

Tuesday, August 18th, 2015.
This is where I'll follow through. This post will make it to my online journal.

(in no order of importance)
Today I deleted my Facebook account. Again. Sometimes it takes a few tries to leave. But this time, I feel it's for good. It's over. I'm done. When the negatives outweigh the positives, ya know? Time to let go and move on.

We will still be hosting a Christmas dinner on Sunday, December 20th, 2015. If you are family (or even better, a friend!) please contact me through my journal or email me or call me on the telephone. We have the room. It's a potluck so bring a dish to share. I know it seems like a long way off but it will be time before you know it.

Why didn't I listen to / discover 'The Sheepdogs' sooner?

It's been hard for me to write recently but I have been reading, at least. Most recent read was 'Where Did You Sleep Last Night' by Lynn Crosbie - one of the many beautiful books I purchased directly from the publisher 'House of Anansi' - they're a delight to order from. Quality stuff.

It's 10:48pm now.
I'll try this again another time.
stuck in a subplot mst3k

thunder and lightning

Sunday, August 2nd, 2015.
Oh boy. I just made my #VEDA Day 2 vlog and ouch, it's um, well, interesting? I have sage advice in it though. Man, I need to pull myself together.

11:20pm Feeling a bit concerned that I won't be able to meet my 750 words goal since I am only about fifty words in and I have no idea what to write and I'm starting this out so late and I'm not exactly feeling present as I type this. I'm going to try anyway because I know I'm able to type quickly but really unsure my mind can work that fast tonight. We'll see. About a half hour to go before the deadline. Would not want to fail the August challenge of typing / writing every day.

11:27pm The daily goals thing is to help give me some structure and to put my attention to things I want to accomplish each day. I am not able to do everything that I would like when I'm having a bad day with how I'm feeling physically or otherwise and I need to let that be okay, in that, I shouldn't be so mean to myself when I fall short of what I had wanted to do. I really would like to be able to do everything on my to-do list (and more!) but recently I am learning that I have some limits that I need to keep in mind. I'd still like to do better at everything and I should continue to try - just ease up on the pressure a little. I usually pull through for myself when I really have to and I know that when it comes down to when it most matters, I'm here and I give my best.

11:33pm We're having a summer storm - lightning and thunder happening. It's gone on for awhile now. I'll hear the rumble every now and then or catch the flickering of light. There are raindrops on the window. I have both computers on and I'm wondering if I should be nervous about that but we haven't had a power outage so I suppose we're fine. I'm listening to music with my iMac and just finished uploading the #VEDA vlog for today. I'm typing this on my little netbook. I can't believe I've had this thing since 2009. What a trooper!

11:35pm I have a long way to go to reach my word goal for tonight and not very much time to do so. What am I supposed to write about? I have no idea. Just keep typing, keep typing, keep typing.

Tomorrow is the start of the booktube-a-thon and I've decided that I won't be participating. I'd like to though - I wrote out the list of 7 things to meet, the criteria, onto a post-it that is in view and near me but I just don't think I can do it this year. I want to try and I like the challenge of it and any excuse to read books is wonderful but I'm not feeling well enough to add that to my list of to-do. I have been feeling an intense anxiety off and on for quite some time now and I don't want to add to it. To further inflict anxiety on myself is stupid. As I've learned more than once recently. Also noted, I have a LOT of anxiety going on inside me - constantly - and it worries me just how intense it can be.

11:40pm Thirty-seven years old. I am that age now. What? I was twenty-seven before. Now I'm thirty-seven. That's how it's going to go, isn't it? Just like that? It's going to get away from me that quickly?

11:45pm That storm is rumbling and distracting as I try to type these words. I'm scared to scroll down the page to see where I'm at with my word count because if I'm too far away, I might get discouraged and if I'm too close, I might slow down and end up missing the goal (that's happened to me before) so just keep typing, eh? I am giving myself some encouragement here because I don't want to mess up this writing challenge. I really think I can write better another day and tonight it's just about meeting the word goal to stay in the game.

11:50pm Really close to running out of time. I should write about something.

That's when I completely stop typing and can't think or concentrate at all.

The doctor's office called the other day and I haven't returned the call yet but I know that I have to make an appointment with them soon. Things I have to follow up on and I've been putting it off. I can't keep putting my health off. I've said to my husband that we've got to get ourselves into better shape and health before we hit 40 because from there it just gets more difficult - plus, with the aging process, more health problems can occur. So yes, feeling the pressure of that, most definitely.

Made it to my word goal. Phew.