come outside no!

with my woes!

Monday, May 4th, 2015.
I had a nap this evening. Okay, I slept for a couple of hours. It was a steep hill into those dreams and I had a tough time walking back up and out of them. Had to reset my alarm to wake myself. It's the time of night where I could be going to bed but I remembered that I still had a photo to take and a post to make.

11:01pm I've got a cappuccino to drink and some music playing. There is no excuse not to write my words tonight. It was good that I got some sleep since that was what I needed at the time. I took a photo (see below) and now I'm at my desk in cassette corner, buckled in to type tonight.

365 Days (2015): Day 124
365 Days (2015): Day 124

Early this afternoon I made a vlog! It includes a flaky dried out nose from using so many tissues with this cold I've got but who cares! I made a vlog! It was about books! And I kept it under 10 minutes! I learned a couple things from JB for iMovie and I'll be able to learn a lot more soon. She recently had a video featured on a popular channel in a genre she vlogs about and I'm happy for her. She knows her stuff and it's good to see her get a bump like that. She's also the type to pay it forward (we have that in common) so she's been helping me out with things like intros and outros and such. I'm going to put more of an effort into my vlogs and allow myself to go with what I'm interested in. It's another outlet for expression and I appreciate having the ability to create with it.

Books! (Doctor Sax by Jack Kerouac) [Link]

11:25pm Time for me to stop looking at the internet - still listening to music but I got sidetracked in browser land.

11:30pm Half an hour left - less than that if you factor in time to post this to my LJ - so I need to get into auto mode and write, write, write! What is on my mind? Random complaints. But also this feeling of how neat it will be to have another creative person nearby who is going to be starting an exciting chapter in their life and I'm fortunate enough to be able to see it happen. It's inspiring for me to see. I look forward to us being able to inspire one another, to be supportive friends. I hope there will be more people in my life who will be part of that good energy. I think I'll feel the uplifting benefits of it the more I share it with others and have it cycle through as it tends to do. I've been lucky enough to have people drift in and out of my life who have been this way for me in various ways and I want to pay it forward in a different way. I want to be more grounded in my life, to improve my health and settle down enough so that my anxiety levels won't be all over the place, and I'd like to enjoy life as it is and allow more moments of awesomeness.

11:40pm I really hope this cold thing I have goes away soon. The weather app says there will be rain tomorrow but the next couple days after that should be sun with some cloud. Sounds like those would be the days to get out there on the bicycle and see how it goes. I'm looking forward to exploring and photographing my hometown. I don't know how I'll be feeling but I should be well enough? It's hard to know when you catch a cold like this. It was a hard hitter when I first got it but now it's more of a nuisance for my nose and a cough that I could do without.

11:45pm I'm almost at my 750 words and I haven't written about anything in any substantial way again. Perhaps, after I post this, I should get myself started on tomorrow's words. It would probably help me get closer to writing something of substance but then I reconsider the idea and think that maybe I should just let it be. Write my words for today and then tomorrow, do it again. Keep doing it until I write better without needing an hour of writing beforehand just to get going. It could happen. Or, get tired of writing stupid surface shit and start writing* better?

Sounds like a plan.

* See examples of writing better like THIS.
alice bored now

fell asleep typing this.

Sunday, May 3rd, 2015.
Oh no - I just remembered that I haven't written in my paper journal yet today.

10:16pm Wrote a page. I know that isn't much but there have been days recently where I would manage only a sentence. I haven't been in the mind space for writing in this particular way. I'm likely in need of writing a poem or expressing myself in some other way for a bit because journaling is not coming easy at all. Forcing myself to write every day is good in that I'm bound to eventually make a habit of it but it isn't making me write well. For that, I find that I only come close to anything decent when I type - and only if I happen to keep at it for a long period of time and something good is written sporadically. I'm literally typing this with my eyes closed and just hoping that I can keep going long enough to make it before time runs out - before midnight when the daily writing goal limit happens - because I would like to think that my enthusiasm will return if I just keep at it. Maybe not today but it will happen at some point because I want it so much.

365 Days (2015): Day 123
365 Days (2015): Day 123

I had a bath today and took extra care of my hair for a change. It's getting long enough that if I want to continue growing it, I need to tend to it better. In other ways of taking care, I plan on going for a bicycle ride sometime in the next few days. It will be my first one of the season. It was beautiful all day but I am still sick with a cold, though it's not so bad as it was. I don't want to let myself get away with too many excuses because I know that I need to get outside and active but I also know I have limits.

10:33pm Why do I wait until it's late, I'm tired and when all I want to do is go to bed and sleep? I keep saying that I won't put this off so late but here I am, doing it again. I find it difficult to get back onto schedule with writing my words every day. There is also the thought of how if I'm not going to actually write about anything interesting or significant about myself or my life, then what is the point? Or, if I can't make up stories or wax poetic, what's the point? There must be some part of me that believes I'm going to push through this and find a way to truly write again - like I once did, only with more reading and life experience. I seem to have something in me that believes I can write and that this is part of what I am supposed to be doing with my time. I know that I haven't stumbled into the exact what and why of it but I'll get there. I'll get there if I keep writing.

10:40pm I sat out on the balcony with my partner this evening. The comfy chairs were perfect and we drank homemade cappuccinos and had a good balance of conversations and quiet. It was nice to not be in front of t.v. screens or computer screens - to even set aside the mobile phones for awhile and just be outside with some fresh air. It will be good for us both when we start going for long bicycle rides and exploring together. We need to change things up and be more active and break some habits. I need to get healthier for upcoming surgeries and other health care I might need. I think this should be the Spring / Summer / Autumn where we become recreational cyclists. It's a good way to see places. Oh geesh, I'm falling asleep as I type this. So tired.

10:50pm About a hundred words to go to reach my 750 words goal. It's tough to do but I can do it. I appreciate those who have been supportive in me writing again. It's not easy for me to come back after taking these strange hiatuses. I didn't expect to take one but life happens. I've been aware that I should make a schedule for myself - a routine for writing. Thought about it a lot and yet here I am, dozing off while typing.

10:53pm I'm listening to '90s music at the moment and I was reminded of when an old friend of mine and I used to send each other music and voice messages on cassette tapes. It was like a mix tape but we'd talk on it as well. Now, I press a button on my phone and I can talk to another friend. In an instant. Just crazy.

Must open my eyes long enough to make sure this entry is posted. This is proving more difficult than it should be.
alice is frustrated

who has your back? + Flickr hacks

Saturday, May 2nd, 2015.
It was one of those days. One of those days where you wake up to someone telling you that something happened and even though it won't be the worst thing that could happen ever, it's bad enough where they need to wake you up and tell you. It was the kind of thing where someone like me who has a very low tolerance for stress and tends to not do well with anxiety, becomes the calm one. You know things are serious if I'm calm, rational and in save mode. It's like that time where I was consoling that one ex who made me homeless. I'm about to end up on some stranger's couch, he's crying and I'm comforting him despite being terrified out of my mind about what was happening to me. It's very strange. There are different levels of me handling stressful shit. I can be helpful but still anxious and freaking out but if things are so bad that I can't handle it or I know the other person can't, I go zen-like. I don't know if it's a coping mechanism or what but it's both helpful and annoying. I mean, I'd like to be that calm all of the time - especially when it comes to all the every day things that can set me off or the other things that can start a panic episode. Anyway, things are going to be okay but again, I say, it was one of those days.

Also, it was yet another time where it was made clear where certain people in our lives stand. There are situations in life that arise where one finds out for real who has their back and who doesn't. It's often a surprise to some to discover that help can come from an unexpected person or because of someone else and not the people they'd think or hope would be there for them. It can hurt but I have learned this more than once in my life. It hurts to see someone learn this though. I suppose that's how it must have been for those who have cared for me in the past, to see my heart broken like that. Yeah, it was a rough day here. Doesn't help that we've got bad colds on top of it all. I'm so tired of tissues. My nose hurts. Tissues and issues, man. Tissues and issues.

10:59pm I am tired tonight. I will likely go to bed after I've posted this (and added some photos from today) because I need the sleep. I didn't nap today and I could have used one because I didn't get to bed until late last night and yet I was up so very early. I have closed my eyes a few times while typing this and felt my head nod. I am listening to 'Etudes for Piano Vol. I, no. 1-10' by Philip Glass and it's great music to type / write by. I can hear it even as I start to fall into sleep and it is actually helping to keep me going, to continue writing this even though I want so badly to stop and go to bed. I can sleep after this is done. Tempted to check my word count but I don't want to know. I might be too far behind and that might discourage me.

11:05pm Change of subject. I'm becoming greatly frustrated with Flickr these days. Not the website, surprisingly, which had annoyed me with the various changes it did not that long ago. But no, this recent frustration is due to members of the site. This is something I noticed awhile back but it's out of control now and somewhat of a bother. I know it's a tactic used on other platforms but it hadn't been such a nuisance on this one until very recently and considering I've been on Flickr for a good number of years, I am curious as to why this is happening now.

What is it? Well, someone will fave your photo. Curious, you click over to their page. Perhaps you see a photo you like and you fave it as well, out of courtesy and perhaps because it actually is a nice photograph. Then you realize they have 99+ faves and you click through and see they have an enormous amount of views and / or comments. On pretty much all their photos. And they may only have a few photos. With their profile being relatively new. And you see this becoming a pattern among various people who fave your photos. It isn't the same as the people who used to come by and look at your photostream. I clicked on someone who had faved a photo of mine and one of their photos had over 70,0000 views (yes, you read that right) and nearly 3,000 faves and it was a flower. No, it wasn't a terrible photo but it was certainly nothing incredible. How did they achieve such high numbers? They are following so many people and fave'ing so many random photos (do they do this all day?!?!) that the numbers just go like that. I realize this tactic has been used in the blogging world and is used all over the various social media platforms but to see it being done like this on a photo site that I have been using and have posted on for so many years - well - it's annoying.

It's like getting a follow from someone on Twitter who is following over a million people or whatever. You know for certain that (unless they have faved or replied to your tweets directly or you know them elsewhere) they are not going to even see your tweets or care who you are - they just want you to follow back so they can up their follower count. When I see accounts on Twitter add me that have such high numbers of followers or people they follow, I don't add them anymore. Unless it's an account that I am particularly interested in reading (which, often, I'm not) I would rather not add their noise to my social media experience. I understand that people have got to hustle to build their "brand" and their "presence" and whatever else they're trying to do online, but when it is to that extreme, it's ridiculous.

No, I'm not jealous. While I would like to accomplish things in life, achieving some level of social media status through spam-like methods just doesn't appeal to me. It isn't what I want to do or how I want to be.

So, while it'd be nice to have some appreciation and approval for the efforts I make online with my various forms of self-expression, I'm not willing to pester the people any more than I already do. The line has to be drawn somewhere, eh?

cats! (vincent & pekoe)

vincent and pekoe
alice peeks around chair

the first of may!

May 1st: morning sun

Friday, May 1st, 2015.
Told myself that I would like to write 750 words every day this month. Not sure that I will follow through. Must admit I've lost confidence in this. I'm barely scribbling a few sentences in my paper journal these days. I know that I have to get back into this because when I'm writing every day it makes me feel better somehow.

10:25pm I'm watching YouTube videos and that's not a good way to focus on the writing thing.

10:33pm Maybe I could type without paying attention and see what happens. I don't want to stop watching the videos and I don't want to give up on writing my words on the first day of the month so it looks like I'm going to have to type whatever comes to mind. This probably won't seem all that different from the times when I actually try to compose a journal entry so maybe I should just keep typing and not think too much about it.

April was an intense month. It began with me in a different country and it ended with my Dad's birthday and one of my friends signing a lease for her new apartment! This was a stressful but exciting adventure. It is also proving to be one of those times where you see people pulling together in various ways to make something happen and it's a good feeling when it works out. I know, from personal experience, that a helping hand can change the course of your life and in the best case scenario, you are then able to help someone else out later on in a pay it forward sort of way. I'm just very happy for this friend who I know will make the most of it and I commend her courage to take the chance when it arose. Sometimes, that's all a person needs - a chance, ya know?

Buds of May

10:45pm I have a bad cold. It sucks. Friend had it. I got it. Husband started to have symptoms tonight. I don't like having colds but I'm more concerned about it turning into a bronchial infection. Not a fan of runny noses, either.

10:54pm The music is turned on. I will let it carry me into a better mindset for writing. I would love to watch vlogs but I will need to make time for writing only and not allow myself to be distracted in that way. I also want to try writing sooner in the day. I am not much for 'morning pages' because I have other tasks to do first thing after waking up. Also, I prefer writing in the nighttime - the night is the best time for me to write - but I have to admit that it doesn't work so well if I don't actually hit my stride until after midnight, unless I can consistently write at that time and never miss a day but I'm not so sure that I could. Oh, I love writing - why am I so afraid to do it? It's getting to the point where I don't even care why I'm afraid of it - I will write anyway.

11:00pm An hour before the midnight deadline to reach my daily word goal. First day of a brand new month and the new challenge. I have a lot that I could and should write about but I suppose I feel a bit overwhelmed and I'm not sure where to start. I haven't even posted selected photos from the Scotland and Ireland trip to my online journal yet. I have them posted on Flickr in photo sets but that isn't the same as sharing a few here. We returned from our trip on Easter weekend at the start of April and the weeks in between that time and when my friend arrived to check out employment prospects - well, it swallowed the month up whole! Now it's May. It's the month of May and I haven't written about the March / April trip overseas and every day I get further away from it, the less inclined I seem to want to write about it. I wonder if writing in my paper journal every day while I was away had an impact on this at all? It could just be that so much has happened in such a short period of time (for me, anyway) that I need more time to process it all, settle in and calm down.

11:07pm My computer desk is back in the living room area once again. It is back in cassette corner. Seems to be where it belongs, as a corner desk and also to be part of the living space. Now the book room really is like a mini library! I'm thinking that a nice cozy chair would be a good fit for in there. I'm not sure if I'll keep my computer out here or not but it seems to be what feels right at the moment. A kitty tower is in front of the window so the cats both have access to the window and they're happy enough. They enjoy the balcony view, too.

I met my word goal for the day a little ways back, phew.