alice teacup

try and try

Monday, May 2nd, 2016.
10:40pm
Started watching the television series 'Grace and Frankie' (on Netflix) and I absolutely love it. I had a feeling I'd like it the minute I read the premise but I kept it in my 'Watch Later' list. Then it appeared at the top of the screen when I wandered into Netflix after being away awhile and so I clicked on it. I have three episodes to finish watching Season 1 and I think the show is fantastic. I love the actors in it. It works.

.

I've been trying to think of how to unblock my writing.

Does it begin with breaking out of the paragraph format
until there is something powerful enough to push phrase
forward? I'm so tired of these words not going anywhere.

The editor, the critic, the high walls around all the things
I can't reach, don't get to say, protect myself from getting
to - for who & why? All it does is make me exhausted; dry.

I'm not going to write poetry. I'm not going to write prose.
I'm not going to write blog posts. I'm not going to write the
topical journal entries. I won't be telling you about my day.

It's always the same anyway.

.

The difference between me in my '20s and me in my late '30s:
is that I know a lot of things aren't going to happen that I
was worried would and now I know a lot of things aren't going
to happen that I hoped would. I'm not sure what I'll think of my
late '40s when / if I get there compared to my late '30s - only I
do know that my '20s to my '30s were likely where most of what was
going to happen, did. I'm trying to make changes to help make things
better when the next decade comes but I don't know if it will help.

Is it too late? Is it too late? Is it too late for me to live a good life?

.

There was this article written from a sex worker's perspective (supposedly, who knows?) and she was addressing it to the wife / wives of the men who see her to meet their sexual needs. Except for one line that offended me, I agreed with most all of it, in that I felt it was an honest and realistic perspective.

.

College classes begin on May 10th and I wonder if there will be assignments due on the same dates and if I will be able to manage my time well enough. I have not bathed today and you'd think that would be the least I could accomplish. I did the dishes but by the evening, there are more to wash again. I don't mind doing the dishes because I can listen to Pema Chödrön. It's grounding for me. Chores can be a form of meditation, yes? The bath, however, while it should be relaxing, is somewhat of a pain for me. My hair is long enough that it needs more time and attention than I'm used to giving it. I like it this length but it takes extra time. Okay, I am worried that the expectations I place on myself for school won't be met because I fall short every day of the little things. I'm too hard on myself and I don't push myself enough. I'm going to have to push myself in just over a week when I begin taking college classes and I don't want to let myself down. The me that I am & the me that I hope to become. I see now more clearly how all these days of seemingly nothing add up to = ?

.

Drink more water. Bathe regularly. Notice the fog and go take photos of it to post on Instagram. Sit back down to write but grab the digital camera and go back outside to take more fog photos from the balcony.






11:45pm I have one hundred words to write before the midnight deadline to continue my writing streak on 750 words. I tried to do something different tonight - something like how I used to write - but it didn't flow right and it's not going to come so easy for me. I've built barriers and reinforced them or maybe I'm stuck in a place - a place I put myself in - and I'm going to have to work at this.

.

I wish I'd had a mentor at different stages of my life. I wonder why I've had to do this on my own. I'm alone.
alice bored now

I can do better than this.

Sunday, May 1st, 2016.
10:35pm
Annoyed with myself because I'm feeling uncomfortably full from the delicious supper we had this evening. I shouldn't eat so much at one time. My own fault for not practicing portion control. I don't know when I'll learn but I hope it's soon because I don't like feeling this way. I'm thankful for the good food but I don't need to have so much of it. I wish that my husband had a bigger appetite than me but he doesn't. There are leftovers in the fridge for him to take to work but still, I know I didn't need to eat as much as I did. This is something that I struggle with but I'm trying to make changes. I've kept a food log for a few months but what I really need to do is reduce the amount of food because I'm someone who doesn't have an active lifestyle. If I were exercising or moving my body a lot more, maybe I could justify it but since most of my time is spent quite sedentary, I can't.

That's enough of me lecturing myself about that!

10:48pm Writing every day is going to be difficult if I can't do a bit of living, to have something to write. Then I think of how there is always something to write about if I allow myself to open up about things. I seem to be stuck in that place where it's too easy to be lazy with my words. I am always thinking about something - my mind is very active and I'm not even granted reprieve when sleeping, waking from nightmares and a constant dialogue - but it holds so much that I could put into writing. Instead, I might ramble to a partner who isn't much a of a conversationalist and feel frustrated by it. Meanwhile, the answer to that is that I should be going straight for the pen and paper journal or to the computer. My partner likes that I write, that I know how to amuse myself with my interests, that I don't need him to entertain me. But I do need some interaction. I would like to bring back gatherings - the Salon - maybe I will somehow, if I could manage to make any acquaintances that would be interested in such a thing. Less dressy though and geesh, I'm just missing those types of convos where it feels like you're learning and inspiring one another, where you can feel that energy, whatever the subject. I have isolated myself far too much where I am and I can't put the blame on anyone but me.

Good thing that I'll be too busy once the college courses begin to dwell on things like that. I'll be thankful that I'm given the space that I want and need. It should shake things up enough that I won't feel so restless.

11:07pm I tried to make a run for it last month, eh? That didn't work out for me. It's just as well and I think it was likely meant to happen this way because I wouldn't have thought to take college courses at this time - it wasn't on my radar before things went down the way it did. I learned one thing wasn't possible but that I could do something else instead and that was important. I truly hope it will be worth it. I have sent out a very clear message to the universe that I'm ready to change things, to take risks and try to do things differently. I have to show I can do more, that I can follow through consistently, a challenge for someone who hasn't had much consistency in their lives. I can't even guess what outcome I'm hoping for from this. Opportunities?

11:18pm Overall, I haven't left the apartment much at all. It was overcast all day with that kind of sky that covers everything, no outlines of clouds because of the density of layers - it wasn't dark out but that glaring of cloud cover because you know the sun is behind it all - rained some, cool and damp. The weather will get nice soon and then I won't have a good enough excuse not to try and get out there on my bicycle and bike around. I'll take my camera and see what things I can capture, something more interesting than the balcony view.

11:27pm About to hit the daily writing goal for 750 words and then I'll have started May off right, while continuing the writing streak I began at the end of April. Just now, the notification that I'm on a 9 day streak. Good! But this post was crap. I want to do better than this. I need to try writing at a different time or writing down a phrase of a subject that could possibly motivate me to express myself.

I am only letting myself get away with "phoning it in" to help build up the habit of daily writing but if I don't start putting more effort into writing something worth reading, I'm going to stop.
the universe in expansion

April is over!

Saturday, April 30th, 2016.
10:09PM
My Dad's birthday is today and he turned 63 years old.

The Dad. 2014, on my birthday.
The Dad wore the sombrero for me during my Happy Birthday song! Awesome!

I talked with him on the phone (we are in contact almost every day) but I was happy to see him a few days ago. He stopped in and gave me a few gifts from his trip through Stratford. A very hobbit kind of thing to do - to give other people gifts on your own birthday, or thereabouts. I remember that I wasn't feeling very well that day (today, I'm in pain but that day I was drained with a flare up of breast cysts, ones that have since calmed down, thankfully) but yeah, it was just a few days ago. Ugh, kinda sucks that I'm in pain again today but that's just the way it goes, I guess. But back to my Dad, he's made it to another birthday and I'm happy for him.

10:24pm Yesterday was a 7 day streak for writing on 750 words. I'd like to continue the streak and I am ready for the start of a new month. I want to write every day even if I am going to start college (May 10th) because I believe I can make time for writing and for my schooling. It will be putting me to task for time management but it is long overdue for me to get a handle on that aspect of my life anyway. I have to put effort into making sure I block time for the things I want to accomplish (whether it's something I want to do or have to do) and if I can put some self-determination and self-discipline in there, I'm sure I can succeed. Also, these college courses aren't free and I don't want it to go to waste. It could take a couple years or more to get through the various courses needed for the certificates in each subject that I'm taking but it will make my résumé so very happy and improve my chances (and maybe my confidence?) of opening myself up to more experiences and opportunities. At least, I hope so. I realize that another key component will be getting outside more. That might factor into things as well. That, or becoming so freaking awesome that people want to work with me from where I am now. I don't know! Who can say?! Maybe I'll take the education and apply it abstractly to my life and have an outcome that is absolutely unexpected or impossible to imagine, eh?

10:51pm The point of all that rambling is that I know I'm trying something different other than what I've done before and that's got to be a good thing right there, doesn't it? I mean, it's a start. I realize that I could also be doing a bit of overkill with the varying subjects but now that I've figured out that this is something I can do - that I can start right from where I am and that these particular circumstances I've found myself in have an upside - well, I want to go for it. I'm not getting any younger. I'm also not giving up.

Do I wish that I hadn't quit the job I had at the end of last year? Yes, because if I was still working there right now, I'd be awesome at it. No, because I think that I wasn't quite ready yet, despite being perfectly capable of doing the job, I was pushing myself out the door perhaps too soon after so much and for a first run, I should have made sure that my support system was a bit more... supportive. I don't regret taking the chance but I am sorry that I wasn't yet able to keep going with it. I think that the time in between then and now to later on when I've attained more education - that will make me even more grateful and wanting to do well than I even was before. I will not let another chance fall through again. I think that I will be prepared and in better form in other ways as well.

For instance, having gone vegan over a couple months ago now, I've been making improvements to my health in a way that is slowly making itself more visible, or at least, husband is saying he can see and feel a difference when he hugs me. I haven't weighed myself recently to find out what the numbers say. I intend to be riding my bicycle soon. It's as ready as it can be even if I'm not.

11:23pm Just passed the word count goal and I'm on an 8 day writing streak with the month of May to write through and keep it going. I would have met the target sooner but I wandered off to Facebook and "liked" things and scrolled and stumbled about, tangled up in distractions and off on tangents through the curated posts that Facebook allows me to see and that people present of themselves, myself included. I still don't like Facebook but what can ya do?

11:45pm Nothing more to say today. I'm thinking about giving poetry a try again. Yes? No?
writers write.

writers and excuses




Friday, April 29th, 2016.
10:28pm
I'm registered for a total of three courses and they begin on the 10th of May. First day of school will be happening right here at my computer and I want to be ready for it. The variety of college courses should make things interesting, eh? I was wondering if I should look into some kind of app that would limit distractions on my desktop so that I can fully concentrate on my schoolwork and then I realized I have an in-built app for that and it's called determination and motivation. I've got both of those now.

[Link]


10:51pm Writing when you feel like you don't have anything to say or don't know what to write about or don't want to write about what you know you could write.

11:08pm There isn't enough light in this room. I just turned on the light in the dining room. It's a bright light but far enough away from cassette corner that it won't bother me --- yes, I'm feeling reluctant to write. I want to continue the writing streak but I'm in this all too familiar place of feeling discouraged. I know where I'm at again - the place where writing is difficult and everything is drivel and it feels I have nothing of value to say, or that I don't have the guts to write about anything good anyway - and that's the place I often start out when I am trying to get back into a routine of writing every day. I have layers of self-doubt and self-deprecation. It goes deep and it takes writing through it and getting the practice in day after day (night after night) to the point where I remember that there are some days where the words are going to be there for me and it's going to be beautiful and feel good and make up for all of the days where I wondered why I was bothering at all.

11:39pm While typing these words, I'm in a text message exchange with someone about writing / not writing and being a good writer v.s. feeling like you shouldn't write because you don't feel good enough to be a writer. I think the text message exchange is far better than anything I've written in this post (aside from also taking up a lot of time - all of it worthwhile to interact with a human being but I'm on a deadline here!) and it goes to show what feeling passionate about a topic will do to inspire words to come forth as opposed to trying to drag them out like this - somewhat painfully so.

I'm making myself drink water because I know I let myself get dehydrated. I haven't been drinking enough water lately and I can feel the difference and it's not good at all. I'm also having to remind myself to open my mouth, to breathe, to take in deep breaths and breathe out again. I've been in some physical pain today and it's been awhile since I've felt like this. It sucks. Pain days, whether physical or mental (or both) can be very distracting and unsettling for those of us who really would like most to not have to deal with that stuff. It can be especially bothersome to experience a bad pain day on the days where you want to get things done.

There isn't a lot of demands placed on me (yet) and I have it easy compared to many people who have a lot more going on in their lives but it's still a bummer for me to have days or nights where I am struggling with pain and yet I feel the pull to get something accomplished that is going to be difficult to do. I've got less than eight minutes to type over one hundred words to make my 750 words goal before midnight. The phone dings and I know that there are good messages waiting for me to read, to respond to and I know that my replies to those texts will be more insightful than anything I have written here tonight. If only I would allow myself to write in that way when I'm here at the desk to do my daily writing. I should be approaching it with the same confidence and heart that I am giving to a friend or long-time acquaintance who is talking about writing in a conversation with me.

The fact that I don't allow myself to open up in my online journal at this time is something I want to change. I know that I've said this before but I still mean it so I'm saying it again. Note to self.



While on the subject of BLOGGING in general, I recommend this great read - HOW TO BLOG AGAIN - by @RaymiTheMinx. She knows what she's talking about when she lays down some truths on a subject she knows a lot about with her years of experience. I know that there are bloggers who stumble over here from time to time and I recommend Raymi for some inspiration on how to hustle in the game. I'm clearly not one who is in the game nor am I hustling at this time but if I was, I'd be taking her advice. Also, she's lovely.